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The Undeserving by ~sadlife:iconsadlife:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Old Poetry Structure > Emotional


the cold grey darkness of a dead city
the only sounds the thumps of bombs
and the screams of the “collateral damage”
who lie wounded, bleeding, dieing
where they were flung.

the innocent left
huddling beneath their beds
in the vain hope that it will offer some protection
wondering when the old tyrant will be replaced by the new.

The sun rises slowly
as though as fearful
as the people its dim light reveals;
A city as shattered as it’s people.

A watcher from afar
Survey’s the people emerging
From their homes
Who stand mournfully around
the most recent “mistake”

men in uniform
come marching through the streets
as proudly as conquerors of old.

A man sitting in a bunker
Looking down the barrel of a gun
Regretting only that his time has come to an end.

Years pass, times change, wounds heal
Soldiers depart
Leaving behind a city mortally wounded
Its body and spirit alike.
©2003-2009 ~sadlife
:iconsadlife:

Author's Comments

fuck you bush,fuck you blair, and most especially fuck you howard for making my country a part of this bullshit

Comments


love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconzergy:
~zergy Mar 16, 2003, 9:19:50 PM
That's a fairly good wrap up of the affects of war, couldn't of done it at a better time too :) (Smile)

--
<Insert witty, intelligent quote/comment here>

;)
:iconlady-blue:
`lady-blue Mar 21, 2003, 2:51:45 PM
This has some really nice moments, but I do see some problems with it. You do have some imagery in here, but this still reads with too little, in my opinion. You seem to be concentrating more on telling the story than expressing the point you want to get across. I think it's more important to have a smaller story with more in depth descriptions instead of having to move around so much. You talk about 4 different people(s) in 7 stanzas. To me, that seems like too much. There's too much telling and not enough showing. This poem is structured so that it sounds like "this happened, this person did this, this happened, another person did this, then another person did something, then this other person did something, and here's my point." See what I mean? That's something to look at and think about. In emotional poetry it's even more important to focus on the emotion.

That's the main weakness I can see in this. If you have any questions (I tend to ramble), note me.

Heart Amy

--
:heart:Amy

*ArtisanCraft :bulletblue: *Crafty-Goodness

Etsy: [link]
:iconiamsplee:
~iamsplee Mar 23, 2003, 9:30:28 AM
Wow. You just captured my point of view on this war into a poem. I'm the spelling freak of poetryhelper, so you have made me a happy little chipmunk as far as that goes :D (Big Grin) . The only thing that I really think should be changed is the arrangement. Break it up into some pattern with your stanzas...there is no real pattern there, and it throws off the reader a bit.

Oh yeah...+fav

--
"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot
The world forgetting by the world forgot
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
Each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned..." ~Alexander Pope

Proud Member of *dapride
:icongyroscope:
~gyroscope Jun 2, 2003, 5:13:36 PM
that is a very rocking poem.
:icondcmbrnite:
*dcmbrnite Jun 3, 2003, 8:05:19 PM
This is a very powerful piece..tragic...The structure is not important for me poems come from the heart and that makes any writting a piece of perfection. Nicely done!

--
All things Foamy
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March 9, 2003

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